80.2 Choosing Friends

 80.2 Choosing Friends

Question:

What are the criteria for selecting someone as a friend?

Answer:

One’s nature, family background, faults, and flawless associates

must be studied before befriending one.                                           (Couplet – 793)

One should pay any price to gain the friendship of men of noble

birth who despise disgrace.                                                                (Couplet – 794)

Examine and secure the friendship of wise and bold men who

 will counsel you even if it hurts and rebuke you severely

when you go astray.                                                                           (Couplet - 795)

 

குணமும் குடிமையும் குற்றமும் குன்றா

இனனும் அறிந்தியாக்க நட்பு.                                              (குறள் – 793)

குடிப்பிறந்து தன்கண் பழிநாணு வானைக்

கொடுத்தும் கொளல்வேண்ட                                             (குறள் – 794)

அழச்சொல்லி அல்லது இடித்து வழக்கறிய

வல்லார்நடபு ஆய்ந்து கொளல்.                                         (குறள் – 795) 

Explanation:

Valluvar mentions that the nature of a person, family background, faults, and flawless associates must be analyzed before befriending him. The nature of a person is something that a person is born with. For example, some people are very outspoken, some are introverted, some are calm and composed, and some are energetic and enthusiastic. Character is the qualities that a person acquires to enhance his nature. Qualities such as honesty, courage, patience, jealousy, etc., are acquired through life experiences, upbringing, and family background. It is generally expected that a family influences a person’s character. In the case of some individuals, family influence may have a negative impact on shaping a person’s character. So, by analyzing a person's nature and family background, we can understand his innate nature and character.

 

In Couplet 794, Valluvar mentions that we should consider a person’s faults before becoming friends. There is no human being without flaws. As he himself says in Couplet 504, “Consider a man’s good qualities as well his faults and whichever is more, take that to be his nature.” Therefore, we should consider a person’s merits and demerits and judge him by the one in which he excels. Lastly, he has included “flawless associates” as another criterion for consideration. It is generally believed that we can judge a person by judging his associates. So, the four things mentioned by Valluvar in Couplet 793, viz. one’s nature, family background, faults, and flawless associates, enable us to develop a complete picture of a person before we consider him as a friend. 

In addition to the four criteria in Couplet 793, Valluvar includes another criterion in Couplet 794, where he states that a person with good family background and who is ashamed of any wrongdoing is a valuable asset as a friend. 

            In Couplet 795, Valluvar stresses that one should seek and secure friendship with someone who can criticize him when he deviates from the right path.