81.1 Intimacy of Longstanding Friendship

 81.1 Intimacy of Longstanding Friendship

Question:

            What is intimacy among old friends?

Answer:

The intimacy of longstanding friendship gives an old friend the privilege

of taking many liberties, which are never resented.                                          (Couplet – 801)

பழைமை எனப்படுவது யாதெனின் யாதும்

கிழமையைக் கீழ்ந்திடா நட்பு.                            (குறள் – 801)

 

Explanation:

            Valluvar defines intimacy, born of an old and longstanding friendship, as one that confers the privilege of taking liberties with the friend without rise to any attendant resentment. An incident in Mahabharata is often mentioned as an example of the intimate friendship between Dhuryodhana and Karnan.

           

                    One day Dhuryodhana's wife Bhanumathi and Karnan were playing a game of dice (a game similar to backgammon). There, Bhanumathi woke up suddenly, seeing that Dhuryodhana was coming. Karnan thought that she wanted to leave the game as she was in a losing position. So, Karnan grabbed her saree and tried to make her sit down. Then, the pearls scattered from the ornament Bhanumathi was wearing on her waist. Arriving there, Dhuryodhana said, "Shall I gather them or assemble them as a garland?" not caring that Karnan was playing with his wife or that he pulled her saree from her waist. This incident depicts the intimacy that existed between Dhuryodhana and Karnan as a result of their longstanding friendship. 

80.1 Choosing Friends

 80.1 Choosing Friends

 

Question:

Is it necessary to choose friends after careful consideration?

 

Answer:

Once friendship is made, it cannot be easily abandoned, and therefore

it is important not to make friends indiscriminately.                         (Couplet - 791)

A friendship made haphazardly will lead to

grievous pain till death.                                                                      (Couplet - 792)

 

நாடாது நட் டலிற் கேடில்லை நட்டபின் 

வீடில்லை நட்பாள் பவர்க்கு.                                                 (குறள் – 791)

ஆய்ந்தாய்ந்து கொள்ளாதான் கேண்மை கடைமுறை

தான்சாம் துயரம் தரும்.                                                          (குறள் – 792) 

Explanation:

            We don’t have the option to select our parents, siblings, and some of our relatives. But it is certainly possible and absolutely necessary to choose our friends after due diligence. We develop friendships with people with whom we are acquainted. Before acquaintances turn into friendships, we should make sure they are dependable and compatible people having good character. This type of due diligence is necessary because after having become friends, it is very difficult to discontinue the friendship. Friendships made without careful consideration may cause endless troubles, which may continue throughout one’s life.

80.2 Choosing Friends

 80.2 Choosing Friends

Question:

What are the criteria for selecting someone as a friend?

Answer:

One’s nature, family background, faults, and flawless associates

must be studied before befriending one.                                           (Couplet – 793)

One should pay any price to gain the friendship of men of noble

birth who despise disgrace.                                                                (Couplet – 794)

Examine and secure the friendship of wise and bold men who

 will counsel you even if it hurts and rebuke you severely

when you go astray.                                                                           (Couplet - 795)

 

குணமும் குடிமையும் குற்றமும் குன்றா

இனனும் அறிந்தியாக்க நட்பு.                                              (குறள் – 793)

குடிப்பிறந்து தன்கண் பழிநாணு வானைக்

கொடுத்தும் கொளல்வேண்ட                                             (குறள் – 794)

அழச்சொல்லி அல்லது இடித்து வழக்கறிய

வல்லார்நடபு ஆய்ந்து கொளல்.                                         (குறள் – 795) 

Explanation:

Valluvar mentions that the nature of a person, family background, faults, and flawless associates must be analyzed before befriending him. The nature of a person is something that a person is born with. For example, some people are very outspoken, some are introverted, some are calm and composed, and some are energetic and enthusiastic. Character is the qualities that a person acquires to enhance his nature. Qualities such as honesty, courage, patience, jealousy, etc., are acquired through life experiences, upbringing, and family background. It is generally expected that a family influences a person’s character. In the case of some individuals, family influence may have a negative impact on shaping a person’s character. So, by analyzing a person's nature and family background, we can understand his innate nature and character.

 

In Couplet 794, Valluvar mentions that we should consider a person’s faults before becoming friends. There is no human being without flaws. As he himself says in Couplet 504, “Consider a man’s good qualities as well his faults and whichever is more, take that to be his nature.” Therefore, we should consider a person’s merits and demerits and judge him by the one in which he excels. Lastly, he has included “flawless associates” as another criterion for consideration. It is generally believed that we can judge a person by judging his associates. So, the four things mentioned by Valluvar in Couplet 793, viz. one’s nature, family background, faults, and flawless associates, enable us to develop a complete picture of a person before we consider him as a friend. 

In addition to the four criteria in Couplet 793, Valluvar includes another criterion in Couplet 794, where he states that a person with good family background and who is ashamed of any wrongdoing is a valuable asset as a friend. 

            In Couplet 795, Valluvar stresses that one should seek and secure friendship with someone who can criticize him when he deviates from the right path.

 

 

80.3 Choosing Friends

 80.3 Choosing Friends

 

Question:

            Is there a yardstick to judge a friend? 

Answer:

Even in misfortune there is something good, for it is the

yardstick to measure friends.                                                 (Couplet – 796)

கேட்டினும் உண்டோ ர் உறுதி கிளைஞரை

நீட்டி அளப்பதோர் கோல்.                                            (குறள் – 796)

 

Explanation:

Valluvar’s answer to the question of whether there is a yardstick to measure a friend is “yes. Misfortune is the yardstick.” As he had stated in Couplet 788, “Like a hand that goes to the rescue when a garment slips, providing spontaneous help to a friend when he faces adversity is true friendship.” The Greek historian Plutarch mentioned the same idea (45 AD – 120 AD). He says, “Adversity s the only balance to weigh friends.”

79.1 Friendship

 79.1 Friendship

Question:

            What are the characteristics of a good friendship? 

Answer:

Is there anything more difficult than developing a good and

intimate friendship? Is there anything that can offer more

protection and support for one’s activities than such a friendship?  (Couplet – 781)

 

The friendship of worthy men is like the waxing moon, and the

friendship of the fools is like the waning moon.                                (Couplet – 782)

 

Every time one studies a great book, one appreciates its

beauty and value of that great book. The noble

friendship among good men is also like that.                                    (Couplet – 783)

 

செயற்கரிய யாவுள நட்பின் அதுபோல்

வினைக்கரிய யாவுள காப்பு.                                   (குறள் – 781)

 

நிறைநீர நீரவர் கேண்மை பிறைமதிப்

பின்னீர பேதையார் நட்பு.                                      (குறள் – 782)

 

நவில்தொறும் நூல்நயம் போலும் பயில்தொறும்

பண்புடை யாளர் தொடர்பு.                                     (குறள்- 783)

 

Explanation:

Valluvar considers good friendship very similar to Aristotle’s concept of the friendship of virtue. As Aristotle observed, man is a social animal and needs interaction with other members of society. In the initial stages, he develops casual acquaintances. If there are shared values and mutual bonds, the acquaintances become friendships over time. Valluvar considers that although developing good and intimate friendships is difficult, it is still worth doing it. Nothing like excellent and close friendship can offer protection and support for one’s efforts. Of course, the answer to the questions raised in Couplet 781 is negative. 

            Valluvar contends that a good and intimate friendship will continue to grow and become stronger. He compares such a friendship to a waxing moon and a great book. These comparisons are very illustrative and informative to understand and appreciate Valluvar’s ideas about the nature of good and intimate friendship. At the time of the new moon, the moon is invisible. Then, it becomes increasingly more visible during the ensuing days and eventually becomes the full moon. According to Valluvar, good and intimate friendship among men of good character is like the waxing moon, and the friendship among fools deteriorates like a waning moon. Of course, the waxing moon begins to wane after the full moon. But, like all metaphors, this comparison should not be taken literally. In addition to comparing good friendship to a waxing moon, Valluvar also compares the good and intimate friendship among men of good character to a great book. Every time one reads a great book, one appreciates the value of that great book and gets more insight. So also, the good and intimate friendship among men of character grows stronger. 

79.2 Friendship

 79.2 Friendship

Question:

                Is frequent contact necessary to maintain the friendship?

Answer:

Mutual understanding and identity of feelings alone count for

close friendship, for which constant companionship and

interactions are not really necessary.                                                (Couplet – 785)

 

புணர்ச்சி பழகுதல் வேண்டா உணர்ச்சிதான்

நட்பாங் கிழமை தரும்.                                                                                (குறள் – 785)

 

Explanation:

One would wonder whether intimate and frequent contact is essential for developing and sustaining friendships among two are more people. Valluvar believes frequent meetings and constant companionships are unnecessary to maintain a true friendship. What is really needed is that there should be mutual understanding and love for each other. 

Interestingly, people develop and maintain friendships through correspondence and social media these days without frequent meetings. The friendship between the Tamil King Koperunchozhan and the poet Picir Anthaiyaar is an excellent example of a deep and genuine friendship where the friends never met each other.

King Koperunchozan ruled the Chola kingdom during the 3^rd century AD. The poet was Picir Anthaiyaar, who lived in a town called Picir which was approximately 200 miles away from Uraiyur where king Koperunchozan lived. Although the poet resided in Picir, a town in another country, he always thought Koperunchozan was his king. One day, somebody asked him who the king of his country was. He replied as follows:

If you ask me who my king is, my king rules

a prosperous fine country where laborers drink

filtered, strong, aged liquor and eat cooked

tortoises without limits, their cheeks bulging

 with roasted eels, as they forget their

occupation and celebrate perpetual festivals.

He is enemy to the hunger of bards and their

suffering relatives. He is Koperunchozan of

 Uraiyur, friend of Pothi, with whom he has a

perfect friendship filled with laughter every day. 

                                                (Picir Anthaiyaar, Puranaanuuru – 212)

 

King Koperunchozan had two sons. His sons wanted to overthrow the king and capture power from him. The king’s first reaction was to wage war against his sons. One of the king’s advisors told him not to wage war against his children. The advisor said that if the king were to lose the war, it would be a shame, and if he were to win the war, he would have no heir to his throne. The king gave up the idea of war. But, he was disgusted with the situation and wanted to commit suicide by fasting until death. When he was on his deathbed, he was sure that his friend Picir Anthaiyaar would certainly visit him. Other people around him were not so sure that Picir Anthaiyaar would come to see the king. The king is supposed to have said the following:

. . . . .

He is one who nurtures my life!
When I was rich, he remained there!
He will not stay away in my time of pain!

                                    (Koperunchozan, Puranaanuuru – 215)

The poet Picir Anthaiyaar did come to see the dying king, and he also died along with him. This is an example of true friendship that was based on their love and admiration for each other.

 

79.3 Friendship

 79.3 Friendship

Question:

What is the purpose of true friendship?

Answer:

Friendship is not for pleasant laughter alone; it is to step forward and

provide criticism and correct a friend for his transgressions.                        (Couplet– 784) 

Friendship does not mean simply a smiling face. More than a mere

smiling face, true friendship offers real delight to the heart of the friends. (Couplet - 786) 

Like a hand that goes to the rescue when a garment slips, providing

spontaneous help to a friend when he faces adversity is true friendship.    (Couplet– 788) 

நகுதற் பொருட்டன்று நட்டல் மிகுதிக்கண்

மேற்சென்று இடித்தற் பொருட்டு.                                      (குறள் – 784) 

முகநக நட்பது நட்பன்று நெஞ்சத்து

அகநக நட்பது நட்பு.                                                              (குறள் – 786) 

உடுக்கை இழந்தவன் கைபோல ஆங்கே

இடுக்கண் களைவதாம் நட்பு.                                          (குறள் – 788) 

 

Explanation:

According to Valluvar, the purpose of true friendship is not for mutual entertainment and pleasant companionship. Superficial smiles and merry-making are not the objectives of true friendship. The purpose of true friendship is to be helpful,  offer constructive criticism when necessary, and share the sufferings whenever possible. 

The real purpose of true friendship is also to provide unconditional and sincere help. Valluvar uses an interesting analogy to illustrate the unconditional help provided as a result of true friendship. If an individual’s garment slips and he is about to be subject to indecent exposure, then the individual’s hand grabs his garment instantaneously. In this action, the individual does not consider the various options and does not weigh each option's pros and cons. His immediate and almost unconscious instantaneous reaction to the situation is to grab the slipping garment so that he will not be exposed.

 

79.4 Friendship

 79.4 Friendship

 

Question:

            What is true friendship?

 

Answer:

True friendship keeps one away from the wrong path, guides in the

right direction, and, if necessary, shares the misfortune.                  (Couplet – 787)

 

அழிவி னவைநீக்கி ஆறுய்த்து அழிவின்கண்

அல்லல் உழப்பதாம் நட்பு.                                      (குறள் – 787)

Explanation:

Valluvar says that a true friend should even be ready to share the sufferings and misfortunes of his friend. One may think it is not practical to share the sufferings and misfortunes of a friend.  Valluvar’s ideas in Couplet 787 are not impractical. Historical references depict extraordinary friendship among two or more people helping one another and even sharing their misfortunes. For example, the Greek legend about Damon and Pythias is well known for true friendship, where one of them volunteers to sacrifice his life for the other.

Damon and Pythias were two intimate friends who were followers of the Greek philosopher Pythagoras. They traveled to the Syracuse area, which was ruled by the tyrant Dionysius. Damon and Pythias plotted to overthrow the tyrant Dionysius. Pythias was accused of plotting against the tyrant Dionysius. As punishment for his crime, Dionysius sentenced Pythias to death.

Pythias accepted the punishment but requested that he be allowed to travel home to see his aging mother and settle his affairs at home. Dionysius thought that if Pythias were let go, he would never return. So, he refused to grant Pythias’ request to go home. Damon offered to take his place while Pythias was gone. Dionysius agreed on the condition that, should Pythias not return when promised, Damon would be put to death in his place. Damon agreed, and Pythias was released.

Pythias did not return on the day he was supposed to, and Dionysius was preparing to execute Damon. But just as the executioner was about to kill Damon, Pythias returned. Pythias apologized to his friend for his delay and explained that the pirates captured him and threw him overboard, and he had to swim to the shore and come to Syracuse as quickly as possible. Dionysius was astonished by the friendship between Damon and Pythias, and he pardoned both. Based on this legend, true friendship between two people is called the “Damon and Pythias style friendship.”

79.5 Friendship

 79.5 Friendship

Question:

            When is friendship at its very best?

Friendship may be said to be on its throne when it possesses the power

of always supporting a friend under all circumstances in life.           (Couplet – 789)

 

நட்பிற்கு வீற்றிருக்கை யாதெனின் கொட்பின்றி

ஒல்லும்வாய் ஊன்றும் நிலை.                                 (குறள் - 789)

 

Explanation:

            My dad was very knowledgeable and well-versed in spiritual matters. He had authored commentaries on famous texts like Thiruvasakam and Thirumantram. Many people used to come to our house to discuss religious and spiritual matters with my dad. One day, a close friend of my dad came to see him. The friend who came said, “Sir, I heard your daughter’s marriage had been fixed. So, I thought you would be very happy. But it looks like something is bothering you. What is the matter?” My dad said, “I am really happy about the marriage. But I was concerned about the money needed for the wedding. That is all. Nothing else.”  After listening to my dad, the visitor went to his car and brought a checkbook. He took out four checks and signed them, and gave them to my dad without writing the amount on those checks. He said, “Sir, please use these checks to withdraw any amount of money you want. If my money is useful to you, it will give me great joy.”  My dad reluctantly accepted the checks.

                My sister’s marriage was celebrated very well. After a few months, my dad paid 

his friend back the money he had taken from his account. My dad’s friend helped him without 

being asked and without any hesitation whatsoever. My dad’s friend’s timely help without 

hesitation is an example of what Valluvar says in Couplet 789.